You Don’t Deserve Me
My soul is like a pack of wolves, but it’s about the one in particular-the bad wolf. Not bad like naughty or kinky, but bad in other ways.
I didn’t always, nor most of the time…but enough of the times, I thought of you as a fetish & fantasy who was a person, and not a person who had fantasies & fetishes.
I wanted & expected you to do things & behave a certain way.
I was angry, possessive in a destructive way. I craved you. But my crave was to fill the void in me, but to simply want you. No it wasn’t all the time, but enough of the time.
It was because I was immature. And that ‘boy’ psychology prevented me from considering you as a human being with those things about you. It’s why I couldn’t ever even be the friend I could have been…I should have been.
I should have protected you, guided you. But I didn’t. I drove us instead to an eclipse, an abyss.
You aren’t just pretty. I liked how you were pretty. But you aren’t just pretty. You are beautiful. And Yes there was a time when I was angry, hell, I even fuckin hated. But it wasn’t you I hated, I hated what you weren’t. That’s because I expected. I expected because I didn’t consider you. I was immature.
Now you’re gone, away, and we never said bye. I miss you. I miss everything about you. It took you, my everything & my all, to come & go, to show, that I needed to grow.
I’m not what I can be. And I was angry because I could have been more. I could have been better. But I wasn’t. I regret loosing you. But I’ld give up my whole life again, just to experience you again.
Before we met, I asked the powers that may be, for one more time, just one more time, to feel again, to feel being in love just one more time. And there you were.
I don’t know what’ll happen. I don’t know what will be. But if I were ever to be what I can become, it’ll be, because of you, the woman from Aberdeen.
You don’t deserve me, not like I am. I know I am more-but not just yet. It took loosing you to realize that. And so when time goes by and pass, one day I’ll look back and be grateful. You gave me hope when my world was in despair. And for a brief moment, I felt what it was like, just one more time. I will always be in debt to you for that. I don’t know who I will become beyond my transformation, but I do know, that what I was, you deserve better, you don’t deserve me.